Romney Says Obama Weak, Should Have Invaded Pakistan, Libya, Syria, etc.

Mitt Romney will win tonight’s foreign policy debate with Obama.  Period.  End of story. 

How will Mitt win the foreign policy debate?    Mitt will show how Obama’s weakness in Pakistan, Libya, Syria, Egypt, Palestine, North Korea, Iran, Lebanon, Cameroon, Thailand, Lichtenstein, East Timor, Anglia, Kenya, Poland, Bermuda, The Cayman Islands, etc., has severely damaged America’s stellar reputation as world leader.   

“Obama will gracelessly brag about taking down Bin Laden,” Mitt said, angrily.   “Obama didn’t do that.  The Seals did that.  A real president would have shot Bin Laden all by himself, danced on his corpse on a battleship, then later in the Rose Garden.”

Mitt gave me the inside scoop the other day when he and I were running with the wolves at the Central Park Zoo.  Mitt also told me that Obama had maliciously squandered the many gains made under George W. Bush’s leadership. 

“Obama should have put boots on the ground in Pakistan, too,” Mitt said, barely suppressing his contempt.  “I would have committed 500,000 troops in Pakistan to get Bin Laden.  Then, I would have sent 100,000 more to secure the compound in Benghazi, Libya, another 200,000 to Syria to do whatever needs to be done there, and sprinkled another 600,000 around the world to teach real respect for American values.” 

“I would have bombed Iran, too, of course,” he added. “And North Korea, too, of course.”   Of course, I agreed.  That goes without saying.

When I asked Mitt if he was concerned about adding a couple more trillion to the deficit with all these boots on the ground, he reminded me, a little curtly, that “when it comes to American values, no price is too high to pay.”

I had to agree with him on that one.  Liberty, you know. 

Romney, Ryan, Rock Al Smith Dinner, "Run with Wolves" in Zoo

Who says Republicans don’t know how to party?   Not me.  Not anymore.  Not since my Becoming Republican.

Last night after the Al Smith dinner at the Waldorf, me, Romney, Ryan, Bloomberg, and Trump wound up totally wasted in the Central Park Zoo pissing into the polar bear exhibit, howling at the moon.  Good times, man, good times.

Turns out Trump, (who, by the way, likes to be called Bossman Trumpman, which, believe me is hard to say when you’re loaded), is a party animal.  He was swilling vodka from a gold flask in the shape of a trumpet at our table all night, forcing his phone number into the hands of every waitress and waiter in the place, insisting they come see Trump Tower.  Lame, but kind of funny.  You had to be there for that, I guess.

Then when Obama got up to speak, Trump started chanting, “Kenyan, Kenyan, Kenyan,” softly at first but then louder and louder until finally, Paul Ryan kicked him under the table and told him to shut up.  Ryan is a numbers guy; I guess he figured 50 Kenyans was more than enough.  For a second I thought Trump was going to punch Ryan, but after a tense moment, Bossman Trumpman shrugged and offered everyone a hit from his flask.

Ryan spent most of the night complaining about why Obama got the top speaking slot at the dinner over Romney.  “Scholarship to a top prep school, at top of his class at Harvard, president of the Law Review, he gets everything handed to him on a silver platter," he said, shaking his head.  "You know what?  He didn’t build that, somebody built it for him."  Ryan likes to be called Def Jam.

I kept looking around for Rush Limbaugh, but he wasn’t there.  Chris Matthews was there, but no Rush.  “What kind of crap is that,” I asked Bloomberg in the bathroom.  He was standing next to me using the kid’s urinal.  Even then he had to stand on his tippy- toes.  

“It’s New York, kiddo,” Bloomberg said, zipping up.   “The liberals still cling to power.”  

Nice enough guy, Bloomberg, but he bummed cigarettes off me all night so that by the time we got to the zoo, we were forced to scrounge for butts off the sidewalk.  By the way, he hates being called Shorty. 

Romney is totally cool. He was the one who said we had to go to the zoo.  He was pumped about how his kick-ass jokes had totally blown Obama away.  “Let’s run with wolves, my brothers,” he said, leading the charge up Fifth Avenue into the park.  When we couldn’t find the wolves, we settled on the polar bears.

The Secret Service stopped us from climbing into the exhibit with the bears. They were even drunker than we were, but still, it was the four of us against fifteen of them.  Also they had handguns and, because we were in New York, we didn’t.

One last thing – Mitt gave me back my George W. “Mission Accomplished” belt buckle.  He was more than happy to give it back actually.  He slapped it into my hand, glared at me and said, “I don’t ever want to see that thing again.  That thing could lose me the election.”

Mitt Romney and "Mission Accomplished"

I loaned Mitt Romney my George W. Bush “Mission Accomplished” belt buckle for the debate on Tuesday night, but I’m not sure if he wore it. 

Although Mitt showed his usual strong disregard for the liberal niceties of debate – liberal rules designed to keep Republican power in check – he didn’t interrupt the Marxist moderator anywhere near as much as he should have.  Nor did he intimidate Obama as thoroughly as he did in the first debate.  

No, something wasn’t right about Mitt on Tuesday. 

There is another possibility, and a dreadful one at that.  It’s possible that Mitt did wear “Mission Accomplished.”  What I’m thinking now is that it’s possible “Mission Accomplished’s” powerful force field might have somehow conflicted with Mitt’s own force field.  

There could have been some kind of “neutralization” effect.  Here's what I mean: In the same way that two wrongs don’t make a right, “Mission Accomplished” might have played havoc with Mitt’s undisputed, world champion Master Debater mojo.   

The power of the “Mission Accomplished” buckle is well-known.  In a 3-hour period, the buckle secured me a position on the board at Nieman Marcus and a flight back to New York from Dallas on Donald Trump’s private jet.

But I guess I didn’t think that in the wrong hands, or more accurately, around the wrong waist, “Mission Accomplished” could have untoward effects.   It never crossed my mind that “Mission Accomplished” could be anything but a powerful force for good.

I hope Mitt isn’t mad at me. 

I hope I get “Mission Accomplished” back soon.

Romney to Win Debate Wearing "Mission Accomplished" Belt Buckle

I am here today at Hofstra University in Long Island where the second debate between Mitt Romney and the Kenyan is to take place tonight.  

My plan is to loan Mitt the “Mission Accomplished” belt buckle that George W. Bush gave me in Dallas two days ago. I’m loaning it to Mitt as an insurance policy against the Kenyan.   I don’t think Mitt will need it, but better safe than sorry. 

I have to say I wasn’t big on the whole Kenyan “birther” thing until yesterday. But then I got a ride back from Dallas on Donald Trump’s private jet.   Such a wonderful gesture on Donald’s part.  Also, another testament to the power of “Mission Accomplished.” 

You see, when I arrived at the airport in Dallas yesterday, “Mission Accomplished” began to vibrate.   I was in the Sky Club waiting for my Delta flight when suddenly two men in black suits escorted me through a special passageway leading to Donald Trump’s private jet.     

Watching four hours of video clips of Mr. Trump talking about Barack Obama’s attempts to hide his birth certificate was very instructive.  Watching the clips on a huge screen that took up most of the front bulkhead made it extra impactful.  Watching the clips for four hours really made it sink in.

By the time I arrived at La Guardia, I was convinced that not only was Obama born in Kenya where he absorbed radical Muslim teachings at a madrassa, but that his entire college career is a fabrication.  Why won’t he release his student transcripts?  The answer is obvious to any thinking person. 

I’m in the student union now, drinking a Starbucks coffee.  I wonder how many of the students wandering about here are taking advantage of the American people and adding to the trillion dollar deficit with Pell Grants and how many had the decency to take tuition money from their parents.

Although I’m not sure where or when Mitt Romney’s motorcade will arrive, I’m confident that “Mission Accomplished” will draw him to me and me to him. 

I just have to make sure Mitt understands that I’m only loaning “Mission Accomplished” to him, that it’s just for insurance against the wily Kenyan, that I need it back. 

I’m sure George W. has plenty of them, but it would a little embarrassing to have to fly back to Dallas and ask him for another.