My New, New Republican Clothes

Becoming Republican is a little trickier than I thought.

Now I need a second set of Republican clothes.  

This morning I realized that my Saturday purchase of seven Dolce & Gabbana suits,  seven Brioni ties, and seven Prada pairs of shoes completed only one half of my new Republican wardrobe.   

Common man clothes, Southern man clothes like George W. wore.  That's the other half, that's what I need now.  George W. understood the power big shiny belt buckles have over people's imaginations.  

So I am here at La Guardia waiting for my flight to Dallas to board.  (I don’t have a personal shopper yet or a private jet for that matter; they will come when Mitt is elected.)

I must say I am excited about checking out the big silver and bronze Western belt buckles -- feeling their heft, fingering the embossed American eagles, the Don’t Tread on Me snakes.  What a rich and powerful iconography we Republicans have. 

What do Democrats have?  I can't think of a single thing.  Oh, except, of course for Lenin's hammer and sickle and Hitler's swastika!    

No wonder we Republicans are the winners, the job creators, the makers not the takers.  We’re the eagles – the top predators.  We’re the snakes – cold-blooded with sharp poisonous fangs.  Don't Tread on Us!

The Democrats tried to chop us up with Dodd-Frank.   In the twilight of Obama we reassemble.  

When the Romney sun comes out, we will warm ourselves in his golden rays and strike again.

Ha!

Solving the Problem of My Democrat Clothes

I had serious misgivings about going out and buying a brand new Republican wardrobe this weekend.  Since Becoming Republican I hate supporting the ObamaEconomy in any way shape or form.

But I had to do it.  There was no way I could hold my head up wearing jeans from Old Navy, shirts from the Gap, and shoes from DSW.  Ugh, I can’t believe I wore that crap!

So I did the next best thing to not spending money to help Obama.  I bought clothes that were not made by union gangsters here in the US, nor by the currency manipulators in China.

Instead, I went out and bought seven Dolce & Gabbana suits ($14,000), seven Brioni ties ($2,100), and seven pairs of Prada shoes ($6,300). 

Now I realize Italians are irresponsible deficit spenders who live in Europe and that we shouldn't support them in their prolifigate ways, but all those centuries catering to the aristocracy have taught them a thing or two about making luxury clothing.

I'm learning that sometimes you have to just look the other way when it comes to something you want.   

That was on Saturday.  I tell you I was feeling pretty good about myself until I remembered on Sunday that Mitt Romney always shows up at public campaign events in jeans and windbreakers.

Have I gone too far?

A Number You Can Believe In

Four days ago, when I was still a Democrat, I pretty much believed government statistics.  

They explained a lot.  For example, if you wondered why everyone seemed to wear the same jeans and T-shirts from WalMart, government statistics told you the median household income in the U.S.A. was $51,914.  All those cheap Chinese-made clothes suddenly made sense.

But now, as a Republican, I can see that government statistics are non-sense.  Take the new unemployment report that came out yesterday, the one that said it's now 7.8%, down from 8.1% last month.   I mean, come on!   Do Democrats think we're stupid?

Government employees want to keep their jobs, right?  Of course they do, especially in the Obama economy.  They know that Romney will fire them all on the first day.  And who's going to hire a bunch of government economists when they hit the streets looking for work?  Nobody, that's who.  

Think about it.  If your dear leader does a terrible, lazy job in the election debates, what's the first thing you do as a government employee?   You stay up all night screwing with the Excel spreadsheet until you get the unemployment number under 8%, that's what.  

Because of their unions it won't be easy to downsize all those government economists, but MItt will get it done.  Just look at his record.  Democrats keep forgetting we run this country.  We built it, not them.  

So here's a new unemployment statistic: there's a 100% probability that government statisticians are going to get fired on Mitt's first day. 

Now there's a number you can believe in. 


  

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Winning -- The Only Thing

Yesterday, in a Romney post-debate reverie, I walked the streets of Park Slope awash in Republican glory.

Perhaps you saw me nearly getting hit by that truck with the giant vegetables painted the side delivering organic foodstuffs to the communists at the Food Co-op.  Or maybe you saw me up at the library suddenly unable to check out my book, stunned by the realization that the entire enterprise was based on dangerous socialist principles -- moreover, that everyone working there was a government employee, unwilling to take responsibility and care for their lives. 

Had I not been blessed only two days before by Becoming Republican, I would have no doubt spent the day whining about Mitt Romney’s performance in the debate as mendacious, tendentious and downright rude.  I would have been ready to consider taking the gas pipe, getting out the razor blades, running the hot bath, gulping down the Valium. 

Instead, I took strength from the dejection of the Democrats around me.  Their leader had failed them.  He had shown his true government employee colors.  Instead of working hard preparing for the debates like Mitt, he had spent his time goofing off at his desk surfing the Internet, drinking foamy lattes laced with foreign liqueurs, whiling away the time with his co-workers while decent people like me were forced to stand in line waiting for them to finish their yammering about their kids and get back to work.  These people just don’t understand customer service like Mitt does.  Wasn’t he so great shooting down the whole Dodd-Frank thing?

But having woken up, having seen the light, instead of whining like the Democrat I once was, as a Republican, I was walking on air.  Our soon-to-be-president Mitt had perfectly embodied Republican principles of self-reliance, self-possession and self-care.  Obama had embodied socialistic, chicken-hearted Big Bird values. He even looked like Big Bird with that big goofy grin of his.  How much energy it must have cost Obama to keep from flappng his wings! 

Winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing, said Vince Lombardi, the famous football coach.  Now that I’m a Republican, I truly understand what that means.  

Waking Up

This morning, I woke up Republican.

No soul searching, no nightmares, no road, no Damascus.  No, I was asleep the whole night and didn’t wake once.  From a life-long Democrat to a Republican in the space of one night.

What was it that roused me from my Democratic sloth?   Believe it or not, it was the crash of trashcans outside my window, the shouts of the garbage men and the clash of truck gears grinding.

Had I still been a Democrat, I would have smiled to myself and done one, some, or all of the following:

1. Thought how good it is that garbage men have a union to protect their interests  
2. Pitied them a little bit for the fact that their work is hard, strenuous, and dirty 
3. Remembered how when I worked at a deli during college to pay for my books I could never get the smell of onions off my hands. 
4. Imagined them going home stinking, sweaty, exhausted, to their wives and children, but at the same time knowing their union wages meant they could afford a night out once in a while, pay their mortgages, and put aside a little for college for at least one of the kids.  

In short, all the complicated and unnecessary things Democrats are always thinking about.

Instead, today, this very morning at long last, I saw those garbage men correctly – as enemies of all that is good and right about America, union men who are beholden not to their customers like me, but to their thieving union bosses.

Yes, from union-loving, class-conscious, anxiety-ridden loser Democrat to right-thinking Republican in the space of eight miraculous hours, my conversion to the absolute rightness of Republicanism was cataclysmic and complete.

You may now envy me.